Let’s Be Real A Second

Sometimes things happen and I am reminded all over again that I’m disabled.

I was at a local grocery store. I was getting a few items for our neighborhood party tonight before going to get E from preschool. I wasn’t even really thinking about much other than when I might get feeling back in my jaw from having some dental work done. An older woman approached me. I get this sometimes. Most of the time it’s for them to remark on how I’m an inspiration.

Not today.

“You’re too young to park there.”

Let me remind you that I’m standing outside my car. I’m clearly disabled.

“Well, I’m disabled, I have a car tag. I can park here.”

“You are too young. You should save this for people who are elderly.”

I didn’t say anything. Just sort of looked at her. I wanted to point out that anyone of any age can be disabled.

“You know, when Tr*mp is president he’s going to lock useless people like you up.”

“I voted. I’m with her.” Was all I said. Like I said, my jaw was numb and frankly I was very uncomfortable with life in that moment. I got in my car and waited for her to leave. And I let her words sink in. “Useless people like you.”

No one who ACTUALLY knows me would ever say I was useless. I work hard. I take care of my family. I am a disabled person living in a world with people who see me as less. See me as wasted space. And it’s worse somehow because I’m young(ish). I wonder what they would have thought when I was seventeen or in my mid-twenties. Was I less useful then?

I am not useless.

None of us are.

Let’s Just Talk

Imposter Syndrome.

That feeling that you’re just playing at something, that you’re not REALLY something. I sit at my computer some mornings and think to myself, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??? I’ve been looking at my own words and my stories and wondering what in the world I was thinking that I could be someone who others would want to read.

It’s a real struggle and something my brain constantly churns with. Something I have to try and push out and aside on those few hours I reserve for writing. I sit. And I stare. And sometimes the words come and I feel good about it. Good about what I’ve done and will do.

Because here’s the thing guys, I love to write. I love to tell stories. And on the days that I feel like I shouldn’t be doing it (because, it’s not that I can’t, it’s that I shouldn’t) because I’m not some great wondrous talent, I remember how much I love it. That when I first sat down that afternoon while waiting for a faculty meeting to start and I began my very first manuscript, that it was just because I had a scene in my head. Because I wanted to write.

So, to my fellow Imposters. Let’s write. Let’s write because we enjoy it and because it fills something in our soul. Let’s just write.

 

Blurgh

I’m doing some hard work. Work that involves a lot of thinking and just as much writing. And sometimes its hard. And sometimes you have to take a break from it and let it sit before you move on. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I’m going to write things, how I’m going to make the story move and move people. I think while I’m making dinner and while I drive to preschool. I think a lot. And usually I know exactly what I’m going to do.

But, I’ve been mulling over these words and these people and figuring it out.

And I didn’t know how to make it work.

And I didn’t want to just let it sit. I wanted to work and figure it all out.

But, the Universe told me to stop. It actually sent this huge hurricane. And we lost power for about three days. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is nothing. But, it was frustrating because I wanted to work, I wanted to find those words and make those scenes. But, the Universe had told me to slow my roll. I needed to let it sit.

Today was the first day in a week that I was able to sit down and work. And I did. I didn’t figure it all out. But, I got some things done and that’s a good thing.